8.15.2010

Sunday Devotional

There is no question that God is a big part of my life. He has helped pull me through so many rough situations and there is no question that He is still working through me. I am also working on myself and striving to be the best follower of Christ that I can be. With that said, I have decided to do a Sunday Devotional blog post every Sunday. I will most likely write about what I got out of church that morning and how I feel it pertains to my own life. By the time I make this first post it will be early Monday morning...but I'm doing it anyway.

This morning the Pastor spoke out of the book of Genesis. The story of Jacob. He talked about putting our trust and faith in Christ and how important it is to turn to Him in times of trial. We cannot do it on our own. We can try to take and keep control of everything we have going on, but ultimately, we need God's help. I can definitely apply this message to my own life right now. In fact, I think the Pastor purposely planned this particular message with me in mind! With everything I have going on...family problems, financial worries, the struggle of being a single parent...I get so caught up in it all and what I am going to do to try to fix everything, that I forget that God is waiting to take that weight off my shoulders. And the weird thing is, I already know this. I already know what the power of prayer and letting God come into my life and take control can do. I have experienced it before. I have witnessed it first hand. So why am I still so reluctant to hand it all over? Is it because the power of having that control is all I have left so I am doing everything in my power to keep it? Is it an issue with my pride? Is it because I am scared to see the wonderful changes that can take place? Or is it perhaps, that I just don't feel worthy enough to ask God for anything at this point? I don't really know, but I'm thinking that it might be a little of all of the above.

To be completely honest, it has been a while since I have prayed. I mean, REALLY prayed. And I don't really know why. I have always been very religious and grew up as a Christian. And like I have said before, I know what the power of prayer can do. God has helped me to get through many hardships. Things I know that only He can do. I trust in Him, I believe in Him, I go to church every Sunday to worship Him...so why am I finding it so difficult to do something so simple as closing my eyes and asking for His help and forgiveness and blessings? The truth is, I have felt this way for a while. In my previous relationship, we had a baby, we lived together for 2 years and we were not married. And that played a big part in my absence of prayer. I mean, what right did I have to ask God for anything when I am living in sin every single day? And how can I ask for forgiveness for living in sin when I continue to do it? Aren't we taught when we are young that being sorry means NOT continuing to do the things we are sorry for? But what if getting married is definitely not the right thing to do at that moment? I guess it doesn't really matter anymore, but still. That is massive confusion in itself. Also, I think I just got so sick of things getting worse and worse. Why pray? What's the point? Obviously happiness is not on the menu at that point so is it really even worth it? Then the guilt comes creeping back. OF COURSE it is worth it! I feel so guilty because as a Christian, I already know this. I can't pretend to be stupid. I know that things will not happen over night. Some will...it all depends on God's plan. And I know that He wants great things for me. This past week has been a time of reflection for me. I have to get back in the game. I don't want to can't get left behind. I want to partake in everything God has to offer me. I don't want to waste another day, or another minute worrying and stressing and making myself sick over things that I don't have to. He has blessed my life already in so many ways...I need to pray. I need to hand it all over to Him. Through the darkest moments when there is no hope, there is hope in Him. He is the light at the end of tunnel. I don't have to be left in the dark.


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