9.20.2010

Are You There, God?

What a mess everything is right now. I feel like my life has been broken in pieces and every time I try to keep gluing the pieces together, I glue it together wrong. I try to stay optimistic and look toward my faith to get me through things. And I will admit that I have had some major blessings in my life. But it seems like for every one thing that goes right, 10 more things fall apart. It's like taking one step forward, and 5 steps back. I can't win for anything. I can't catch a break. And it's not like it's due to bad karma. While I will admit that I am not the most perfect person,


I do what I can for other people and to make myself stronger in my spiritual walk with Christ. So what is the deal here? I try to keep telling myself all those same sayings over and over..."everything happens for a reason", or "it's all in God's plan", or the very popular "if it didn't work out, then it just wasn't meant to be". But when is enough, enough? How long can you keep telling yourself that? I know that with everything that happened with my separation with my ex, I'm trying to start over and it's going to be hard. I know that right now I am just in a bad spot. But I have done everything in my power to get Punkin and I out of this bad spot and to try to make our lives better. It seems as if that is NOT God's plan. What, God not wanting my daughter and I to be happy? That doesn't seem right. And I know it's not. But it feels that way sometimes most of the time. I don't really know what else is left to do. I've tried my hardest, I've even sat back and tried to take one day at a time. But it's been a while now. Maybe the truth is God is waiting because I really don't know what I want right now. Maybe I am supposed to know what to do and I keep ignoring that little voice. But all I want is for my daughter and I to be happy and healthy. Maybe He is doing this to pull me closer to Him. I will admit that with all the stress, I have been starting to put prayer on the back-burner. And in times like this I should be praying HARDER. So if I know this, why I am not doing it? So confusing every thing is. I need to get away for a little bit. I need to go somewhere far away for a long vacation. Doesn't have to be anywhere exotic or special. Just a place I can go to clear my head and figure everything out. Because living here around the people I am surrounded by, that won't happen. I can't even think straight. I just end up crying myself to sleep at night like I did before and that's not healthy.

God, I pray that you please take me into your hands and lead me down the path you would like me to go. Fill my mind, body and spirit so that I may do all things through you and not be lead astray. Watch over my daughter and I and keep us safe on our journey. I thank you for all the blessings you have bestowed upon me and pray that you guide us so that I may know what to do best. I pray that you keep me strong so that I may continue to raise my daughter to know your will. Watch over Haley and guide her so that she may grow up to be a woman of faith. It is these things that I ask. Amen.

1 comment:

  1. HEY GIRL... I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL... I JUST WENT THOUGH THIS... JUST A BATTLE BACK AND FORTH OF NOT KNOWING WHAT THE HECK TO DO AND HEARTACHE..TRUST IN GOD, PRAY LIKE NEVER BEFORE AND READ YOUR BIBLE!!! THAT IS THE GUIDE TO LIFE. HOPE YOU KNOW YOU CAN CONFIDE IN ME IF YOU EVER NEED TO TALK!! BELIEVE ME,MY MARRIED LIFE ALWAYS FEELS LIKE ITS HANGIN BY A THREAD!!!

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