1.16.2011

Sunday Devotional

I am feeling quite sad that I missed church today. I know that I don't need to go to church to know that I am a Christian, but it honestly makes me feel better to go. And I think it's good for us that as we become a family, we grow together in our faith. But I missed it and I have been missing it quite a bit. It has been a crazy time with the holidays and being out of state for about a month. I just need to really focus on getting my life together. I feel like I am still trying to pick up the broken pieces after separating from my ex. Jon has been my support system through everything. I don't know what I would do without him here. Probably go crazy faster! Ha! I think we all, as Christians, are trying to better ourselves in the Lord. God knows that I have so many things I need to work on. I just continue to pray that He give me strength and knowledge and understanding and patience. Strength to get through the rough times, knowledge to help me make good decisions, and understanding and patience with others. With everything I have had happen in the last few years, I carry so much hurt and anger and bitterness in my heart. I want to go back to being the happy person I used to be. I used to be able to make life-long friends every place I went. I used to have people ask me on a daily basis, "Why are you always so happy and constantly smiling?" It's because I was happy. It's because I knew no matter what happened, I had God on my side and that was all I needed. I put everything in His hands. So, now why all these years later am I finding it so hard to do that again? Now I feel like an angry and bitter person. Angry that I have had to go through so much. Angry that not one thing has gone right for me these last few years. Angry that I am not giving my daughter everything I would like to give her. Yes, she is a happy, healthy and an incredibly smart little girl and that should be enough. So why do I feel like it's not? Is that just part of being a Mother? I don't know. All I know is that on some days, she is the only reason I even get of bed. She is my motivation to better myself. She is my rock. She is my life. She has been the biggest blessing I have ever received. Maybe that was God's plan all along.

The other night I was falling asleep listening to my iPod, something that I have not done in a VERY long time! I only had one earpiece in so that I can listen for the little one, of course. I came across this song and suddenly began crying my eyes out. But not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy...of peace. I love this song so much and just listening to it, made things a little bit clearer. So I hit the "repeat" button and cried myself to sleep. Something that I have done the majority of nights these last couple of years. But for the first time, they were tears of happiness. Enjoy!



2 comments:

  1. Oh I LOVE this song!! There are so many songs like this that make me cry also. And you are not alone in your feelings. I have been feeling the exact same way for quite a long time.

    Anyway, I do a Monday devotional-type of blog hop/meme... if you want to link up: Monday's Life In Him
    I leave the linky up all week.

    Have a wonderful week!
    Danielle

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  2. I love this song too. It gave me the chills after reading your post, and singing the song in my head. We don't always have the answers as to why things happen in our lives, and sometimes the Lord doesn't always reveal those things right away. All I know is that through our trials, it makes us that much more dependent on Him. I'd say just go to church, even when you don't feel like it. We all need the fellowship, and you will be so blessed!!

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