Have you ever noticed that as soon as life starts to calm down a bit...when things are going, not good or bad, but just going...when life seems, for just a moment, relatively calm...something pops up and starts the cycle of stress, anxiety and uncertainty all over again? And maybe it's not even a bad feeling. Maybe it's something completely exciting but you know it's going to be a lot of work or just a stressful road to get there. Maybe you are unsure of what lies ahead and it's a bit of a scary feeling. Those cycles of my life seem to come and go at a rapid rate. Everything is constantly changing. Maybe it's just part of being a parent...or a wife...or a 'grown-up'. It seems like our children are growing and changing in the blink of an eye. We don't really think about how we are growing and changing as well.
We get caught up in our daily routine that eventually becomes our life. Some of us get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, shower, check our email. and go to bed...ready to start it all over again the following day. Some of us start our days hearing the yells and laughter of children as our alarm clock. Our days are spent cooking, cleaning, running errands and trying to keep the minds and bodies of little people active so that they can turn into healthy, happy adults. We can't remember the last time we ate a warm meal (since we get served last and have to get up at least 3 times from the table to divert some kind of crisis before we can take our first bite) and we perform a long nightly routine of getting everyone to bed so we can start it all over again the next day. And we are happy. But we are always learning. We learn about life and we learn from our mistakes (well, most of us). As we grow, we become more aware of what it is we want. We learn about all of the things that make us happy and unhappy. We learn about ourselves. We learn that certain choices have consequences...and we choose whether or not we make the same wrong choices again.
I have had a lot of internal struggles recently. Not necessarily good vs. bad. Just a lot of questioning. About myself, my faith, what I want, etc. So much is changing around me. Friends, family, myself...and I have a hard time accepting some things. It's horrible when bad things happen to good people. I see it all of the time. I experience it myself at times. It tears me apart. I see good people get screwed over and bad people get...well, whatever they want. It seems unfair to a degree in which that old saying "life isn't fair" becomes a brief overview of a person's entire life. Which leaves you with 2 choices. You can continue being a good person and hope it will pay off in the end, or you can become like the other lying, cheating, untrustworthy, bad people. If doing the right thing only brings you heartache, then what's the point? That's truly when your faith is supposed to shine. When you turn to your beliefs and trust that justice or rewards comes to all of those in the end.
So like I said, lots of changes going on. Jon and I will be getting a new apartment within the next couple of months. Trying to figure out where to move has been an adventure in itself. Taking into account where we want to live, prices, his work and commuting are all factors to take into consideration. Also, as Punkin spends more time at her dad's house, I have decided to go back to school full-time. This time I'm going for the whole thing...bachelor's degree and all. However, I will be starting with strictly online courses so I can do everything from home. This is a decision that is both incredibly exciting and terrifying for me. It's been a while since I was in school. I always wanted to go back, just needed to figure out the right time. So Jon and I will both be doing school at the same time, which is kinda nice. Having a baby has also been something that we have talked about, however, there are some things that we need to do for ourselves first. And I must say, it's been nice to have this time to really focus on us. On our marriage. Figuring out what we want for ourselves, what we want for each other, and what we want for our family. He has a wonderful son and I have an amazing daughter, which makes up an incredible little family. And we are happy with that right now. I want our marriage to be built on a strong foundation. Something I have had to learn the hard way is very important.
You know that saying, "take one day at a time"? Well, I've been doing that for a long time now. I do it because I have no other choice. With everything going on and all the changes, I don't know what the future is going to hold. I used to think it was a bad thing. I am one of those people who not only does not like change but who also gets a little freaked out when I have no control over what is going on...especially when it comes to my own life and those I love. Yet, in a way I am okay with it now. I'm still terrified. I still worry about everything and everyone. But it's forced me to really put things in focus. It's as if everyday I'm standing at a crossroads. I have to make a choice of what I want to do, of which path I want to take. I choose whether or not I make the same mistakes as in the past. I choose if I want to let the bad things that happen get me down or make me stronger. I always make choices based on what I think is best for myself and for my daughter. I will continue to do that 'til the day I die. And even though my thoughts and my judgement get a bit cloudy at times, I hope that the tears I cry can cleanse my mind so that I can feel renewed. So I can continue doing the right thing. Just like after a rain storm, when the sun is forcing it's way out of the dark clouds...and the earth smells fresh and the air is cleansed.
Thank you, God for my husband and our amazing children. You've given me something to fight for when things are at their worst.
P.S. I'm back to blogging again! Yay! I have a lot of posts to get up here this week. Thank you to all of my wonderful readers who have always been there for me with your wonderful words of encouragement. If I knew you in real life, we would totally be bff"s! :)